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A review of SUPERBOWL XXXVIII Commercials (in the category of Television)
by: tim

Not-So Superbowl XXXVIII
Why Are There So Many Commercials?

I continue the annual Superbowl Commercial Ratings thingy again today. Last year's ratings are a delicious read.

This year's content between the commercials will feature a football game between the Patriots and the... Panthers. It begins at 6:00pm Eastern Time, with the score of 0 to 0.

All commercials are rated on a scale of -5 to 5 Chinchillas, with -5 being bad, and 5 being good.

It is 4:20 by my clock. The game hasn't begun yet.
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Later that day...
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Commercial Breaks 1-4 (we were getting food; this is what I remember):
Happy Cow California Cheese Commercial
- Rating: -3 Chinchillas
Ford GT Commercials
- Rating: -5 Chinchillas
CBS Shameless Self-Promotion
- Rating: -5 Chinchillas

Coin toss: Carolina says tails. Result: Tails. Panters will win. Coin toss says it all.
Kickoff: "fight" on first play!! Best Superbowl ever.

Patriots miss very close field goal. Score: 0-0.

Fifth Commercial Break:
Dog gets beer. Other dog bites guy in groin!!
- Rating: 4 Chinchillas
Alien thingy think they should use FedEx
- Rating: 0 Chinchillas
Monkey on guy's back. Trying to find a car. Dodge Magnum: ugly car.
- Rating: -3 Chinchillas
Britney Spears, etc. Grammys
- Rating: -2 Chinchillas
Halftime extravaganza ad
- Rating: -3 Chinchillas

Sixth Commercial Break:
Bear buys pepsi - uses "cashdollars" on check. HE STOLE THAT FROM US!
- Rating: 0 Chinchillas
Quattro razor. Should have at least 5 blades, I'd say.
BethLe says: *tip* the shick commercial woulda been better if it had cut the guys face so he was bleeding alot and theyd say "yeah, it stays un-dull" or whatever
- Rating: -2 Chinchillas
AOL supercharge commercial... guy on motorcycle flew way up in the air
- Rating: 3 Chinchillas

Ball bounces off some guy's head.
Patriots punt. 0-0.

Seventh Commercial Break:
Movie commercial... probably terrible acting but good action. Way Helsing is the title.
- Rating: 2 Chinchillas
Guy drinks beer then gets bikini wax. Idiot.
- Rating: -3 Chinchillas
Ultimate Survivor. BOO
- Rating: -5 Chinchillas
Grammys Commercial.
- Rating: -3 Chinchillas

Carolina has 2 yards so far.
Almost safety.
Panthers punt.

Eighth Commercial Break:
Some gladiator movie. Troy. Not rated.
- Rating: -1 Chinchillas
Willie Nelson doll.
- Rating: 2 Chinchillas
Chevy Aveo. Really ugly, NOT ghetto (unlike what they try to say).
- Rating: 0 Chinchillas

Patriots punt.

Ninth Commercial Break:
50 First Dates commercial.
- Rating: 0 Chinchillas
Ref tunes out guy. Wife yells at him. Budweiser.
- Rating: 3 Chinchillas
Some guy does business things? Monster.com?
- Rating: -5 Chinchillas
CBS shameless self-promotion: Everybody Loves Raymond.
- Rating: -4 Chinchillas

Panthers lost the ball somehow.
Baked Lays are delicious.
We're watching the Superbowl on CBS.

Tenth Commercial Break:
Some guy with kilt gets something cold blown up it. Sierra Mist. Mike says Jon Lovitz did the talking for it.
- Rating: -1 Chinchillas
Some hockey movie.
- Rating: -4 Chinchillas
DITKA! Automatic 5 chinchillas. Baseball is for losers! Ditka says so!
- Rating: 5 Chinchillas
CSI is apparently the most watched show. Believeable.
- Rating: -2 Chinchillas

Matt points out that Pepsi has several ads on Superbowl.com.
Change of possession.

Eleventh Commercial Break:
Donkey wants to be clydesdale. It SHOULD be drinking beer. Andy says "why the long face?"
- Rating: -2 Chinchillas
The Alamo. A movie. Mike says history books butcher the Alamo story, Matt says history books butcher many things.
- Rating: -5 Chinchillas
Without a Trace thingy.
- Rating: -5 Chinchillas

Mike says some guy got owned.
Carolina punts.

Twelvth Commercial Break:
Pepsi iTunes commercial!! YES. Go get iTunes.
- Rating: 3 Chinchillas
I misssed it
- Rating: Chinchillas
Cars dodging garbage, CARbage!!! YESSS!!! www.seewhathappens.com
- Rating: 5 Chinchillas

Still waiting for next Terry Tate commercial.
Matt suggests I buy Superbowl adspace.

Offsides. Defense.
I realize that the logos on these teams' helmets look very similar from a distance.
Collin is not sleeping... yet.
Chain guys come out. They should be tackled.
Patriots go for inches on 4th down... Mike says they got it. Mike is right. DUN DUN DUN!!
Matt says one of the coaches looks like Rodney Dangerfield. Andy says yes... but younger.

Thirteenth Commercial Break:
Horse farts and makes lots of fire!
- Rating: 4 Chinchillas
Little kids counting to five. They smoke.
- Rating: 0 Chinchillas
Charmin. Matt says it was terrible, I wasn't paying attention. BethLe says it was bad also.
- Rating: -4 Chinchillas
Halftime Extravaganza. AGAIN. Matt says it needs a guy with a top hat and monacle to make it more extravagant.
- Rating: -2 Chinchillas

There should be a Terry Tate sitcom.
Patriots attempt touchdown pass. Needed more "touch" (as Madden would say).
Ref says "OK! OK!" loudly.
Patriots attempt field goal. Blocked. Score: 0-0.

Fourteenth Commecial Break:
Starsky & Hutch.
- Rating: 1 Chinchilla
Pepsi commercial. LOOK! It's Kel! I don't know what happened.
- Rating: 0 Chinchillas
Kid sitting in front of teevee. Ali says something to him... Linux commercial.
- Rating: -2 Chinchillas

SMASHED! Ball recovered by the Patriots when QB fumbles when sacked.
Touchdown Patriots! Score ISN'T 0-0??? What's going on here?? Celebration sequence.
Extra point good. Score: 7-0 (Patriots ("Pats") winning).

Fifteenth Commercial Break:
Visa: Girls playing volleyball in snow. Practicing for something important, probably.
- Rating: 2 Chinchillas

Some guys talking.
Kickoff to Panthers returned to 10 yard line. Lots of flags.
Awkward silence. Announcer: "It's raining yellow." Awkward silence.
Carolina gets ball on 5 yard line after penalties.
Patriots hit eachother because guy ducks!

Sixteenth Commercial Break:
Johnny Dep in Secret Window.
- Rating: 1 Chinchilla
Little kids eating soap. Ugly Chevy truck puts down top. Probably because they're swearing about how ugly it is. Top going down actually looks kind of cool.
- Rating: 2 Chinchillas
Old man trips old woman!! OLD WOMAN HAS HIS TEETH SO HE CAN'T EAT CHIPS!
- Rating: 4 Chinchillas
Samuel Jackson talks about March Madness.
- Rating: -3 Chinchillas

Andy says we need more fake punt pass. I agree wholeheartedly.
Timeout New England.

Seventeenth Commercial Break:
AOL quickerening thingy for rascal. Guy goes straight up.
- Rating: 2 Chinchillas

Touchdown Panthers. Extra point is good. Score: 7-7.

Eighteenth Commercial Break:
CBS Shameless self promotion. "We're better than you" commercial.
- Rating: -5 Chinchillas

Kickoff to Panthers.
HUGE pass by Patriots. Timeout.

Ninteenth Commercial Break:
Football players talk about being together.
- Rating: -4 Chinchillas

0:23 left. Patriots might score before the half is over.
Some guy is drinking the same water as Andy does.
Touchdown Patriots. Extra point is good. Score: 14-7 Patriots.
Panthers need to do fake punt pass right when they get the ball. They didn't.
Panthers make 50 yard field goal. Score: 14-10 Patriots.

Twentieth Commercial Break:
Survivor thingy. Biggest twist for them.
- Rating: -4 Chinchillas
Some show.
- Rating: ? Chinchillas
King Of Queens guy tackles people running track.
- Rating: 4 Chinchillas
People need hospital care. (local commercial? someone was changing channels)
- Rating: -5 Chinchillas
Union Federal Bank. BORING!! (local commercial?)
- Rating: -6 Chinchillas
McDonald's Cheddar Melt is back! Matt is excited.
- Rating: -3 Chinchillas

Halftime show. We started watching cabin fever and probably missed some commercials. We switched to watching Cabin Fever instead of the game... heh heh. What a terrible movie.

Twenty-First Commercial Break:
Talking monkey!!
- Rating: 3 Chinchillas
Godfather parody, Staples.
- Rating: 0 Chinchillas

Twenty-Second Commercial Break:
Cialis
- Rating: -4 Chinchillas
Music playing... job stuff happening, I guess.
- Rating: -5 Chinchillas
NFL network. I thought of that idea at least a year ago.
- Rating: -4 Chinchillas
David Letterman risking it all!!
- Rating: 2 Chinchillas

Twenty-Third Commercial Break:
Movie: Hidalgo
- Rating: -4 Chinchillas
Gillette... it's like an angel by your side.
- Rating: -4 Chinchillas

Twenty-Fourth Commercial Break:
Golf commercial.
- Rating: -5 Chinchillas
Some news commercial.
- Rating: -5 Chinchillas
St. Vincent Again
- Rating: -5 Chinchillas
Free online bill pay
- Rating: -6 Chinchillas

Touchdown New England. Extra point good. Score: 21-10 Patriots.

Twenty-Fifth Commercial Break:
Cadillacs looking like they're driving through water... cool looking. Should have hit eachother. "New Wave!"
- Rating: 2 Chinchilla
Car driving so fast that the lizard flies off the rock.
- Rating: 0 Chinchillas
CBS shameless self-promotion
- Rating: -5 Chinchillas

Touchdown Carolina. Awesome "dive." Going for 2-point conversion, no good. Score: 21-16.

Twenty-Sixth Commercial Break:
Kid throws rock or something in water... dad runs in.
- Rating: 3 Chinchillas
Simpons Mastercard commercial. It's got bees! MOLEMAN HIT BY DOOR!
- Rating: 5.1 Chinchillas

Twenty-Seventh Commercial Break:
AOL supercharge...
- Rating: -4 Chinchillas
NASCAR on football field... NOT Superbowl commercial but still great.
- Rating: 4 Chinchillas
Budweiser responsibility commercial. Girls didn't buy beer.
- Rating: -1 Chinchillas

Interception with Patriots in scoring position. Pathers now with posession.

Twenty-Eighth Commercial Break:
Shards O'Glass glass freeze pops (anti-smoking commercial). shardsoglass.com
- Rating: 2 Chinchillas
7up... hoop on back of truck, guy slams into back
- Rating: 3 Chinchillas
2.5 Men commercial.
- Rating: -4 Chinchillas

Andy fell asleep.
HUGE pass by Panthers... TOUCHDOWN!
Announcer: "What a huge turn of for the New England Patriots... and for the Carolina Panthers."
Score: 22-21 Panthers.

Twenty-Ninth Commercial Break:
ACTION: the anti-drug. What a nosy mom!
- Rating: -5 Chinchillas
Cadillac... no sound... until later... because the car was fast. Rachel says it should've been the THX sound.
- Rating: -3 Chinchillas
CBS shameless self-promotion.
- Rating: -5 Chinchillas

Touchdown New England. 2-point conversion good. Score: 29-22 Patriots.

Thirtieth Commercial Break:
BOOO repeat Cadillac commercial!
- Rating: -4 Chinchillas

Kickoff to Panthers.

Thirty-First Commercial Break:
Tom Hanks likes booty. The Ladykillers.
- Rating: -3 Chinchillas
Repeat motorcycle commercial
- Rating: 2 Chinchillas
Some Pepsi commercial
- Rating: -2 Chinchillas
CSI: Miami ad
- Rating: -4 Chinchillas

Touchdown Panthers. Extra point good. Score 29 all! "This game is tied." 1.5 minutes remaining.

Thirty-Second Commercial Break:
AIG. Pretending life is a football play. Andy and my lives aren't almost over! This is amazing!
- Rating: 2 Chinchillas

Patriots going for 41 yard field goal. It's good! Score: 32-29 Patriots. 4 seconds remain.
Kickoff... time runs out.

Final score: Patriots 32, Panthers 29.

"Final" Commercial Break:
Some kid got knocked over! Pouring coffee in some guy's lap! Wang Chung! Toll booth thingy hits guy on head (in convertible) - Subway commercial.
- Rating: 3 Chinchillas
blah blah contact lenses commecial.
- Rating: -4 Chinchillas
Zero Plus... Dodge commercial.
- Rating: -5 Chinchillas
Menards commecial!
- Rating: -4 Chinchillas

Coin toss was... WRONG??
Overall, these commercials were worse than last year... where was Terry Tate???


Overall rating:

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